Something I finally want to share…
Thursday is one of those almost there but not quite kind of days and today felt like it! First, I had get some blood taken for another cholesterol screening I have. Because I feel like healthy eating and healthy living can take on a life of its own I thought I should share some thoughts with you today.
So, I have extremely high cholesterol. Even as I type this I can’t believe it and honestly for some reason I feel embarrassed to say it. I realized it a few years back when I worked for Rubbermaid and they did a full health assessment as part of our insurance perks. I mean it was so high that when I got my results I cried. We are talking full-blown tears and thinking I was going to die so I called my parents (mind you I was living inBostonat this point). It was SO high that my parents just laughed and said “clearly that is a mistake, you need to get that re-tested” so I did. Then the tears came again… wow this was not a testing error this was just me.
So I went to a nutritionist and took in my little 2 week food diary that she tried to sort through to figure out what could be the problem. The only thing I really got was to stop eating pop-tarts. I remember asking her “so that will fix it” and her answer “no not at all but hey you shouldn’t be eating those things.” Oh thanks for taking away my pop-tarts and any hope I have of this stupid thing going away. So I lived with it. I decided I would change weird things in my diet and see if that helped. I essentially went cholesterol free, as much as I could, and made sure to run as often as I could. My job was also very active- on my feet all day long- so I tried to move a little faster on a day to day basis and then I got it tested again.
Oh more tears.
Finally I came to terms with the fact that I have high cholesterol because of my genetics and not because I am not taking care of myself. THIS WAS SO HARD TO DO! I mean cholesterol is one of those things that you feel like you can control. You eat right, you work out, you treat your body right and your body will treat you good right back. Nope. Not my body. So last week when I went to the doctor I knew I would have to start talking medicine. I like vitamins and I take some medicine to keep my complexion clear but there was something about having a discussion about cholesterol medicine that made me veeery uncomfortable. Then the nurse practitioner I saw made it that much worse. She opened my chart and must have missed the day in med school where they teach you the “poker face” because she seriously looked like she was ready to give me mouth to mouth sine I was going to have a heart attack ANY minute in that doctors office right on the floor. She, of course, was shocked to see those results but not nearly as hurt as I was to see them. I absolutely HATE not being in control of my body. I don’t consider myself a control freak but I do think that if I do the right things I should be rewarded by my body and that is just NOT happening. So because I am so young I have to be careful of the drugs they put me on for child bearing purposes. They did give me some stuff and I cried on the phone to Tim on my way to work and felt terrible about myself.
So over the last few days I have been trying to come to terms with this but I find that I am struggling more than I thought I would. Apparently this medicine could give you hot flash like symptoms (Tim is really looking forward to those) and who knows what else it could do. HOWEVER I know that my body is telling me that it can’t process cholesterol the way it should be and that it needs some extra help. My running and healthy eating are not help enough so I had to go elsewhere. Look, the reason I am sharing this with you if for a few reasons. 1. I want to make the point that you all know I am a generally healthy person- at least I consider myself to be. Now, do you know everything I eat? NO of course not! I don’t put everything on here but you know I try to make good choices. So I want to make the point that even though you do the right things sometimes nature takes over! It just grabs the bulls by the horns and does it all for you. It’s not fair, it’s not right, and to be 100% honest it pisses me off! The other reason I share 2) is to show that I too, a pretty happy person, have struggles. We all do. My struggle right now is cholesterol and how I feel about being disappointed in my body. Maybe your struggle is your weight? Maybe your struggle is paying your bills? Maybe your struggling with jealousy? Maybe you just don’t know how to make things right with your husband, boyfriend, best friends, mom or someone else in your life. EVERYONE STRUGGLES! I am struggling right now as I type this and trying to decide whether or not I should share this part of my life with you. I hope I decide yes and I hope you are reading this because if you are willing to read about my life and be part of it I should try to give you as much as I can.
I guess what I am trying to say is to be proud of who you are and just make things right when you can. CONTROL the things that are in YOUR CONTROL and ask for some help if you can’t figure it out. For me, the medicine will hopefully help. For you, it may just be asking someone for forgiveness or telling someone how you feel. It has been over 2 years since I first found out about this issue I have and guess what… is has not gone away. Even though I have tried EVERYTHIGN to make it go away it won’t do it on its own. Maybe this is just another life lesson you all already know but since I have been really struggling with this internal I thought getting it out there for the world to see would help me come to terms with it.
Is there anything you need to come to terms with? Think about it.